The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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