oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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