Well douche your snatch and let's go!
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
