Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
