I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
