Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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