don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You may now shotgun with the bride
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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