I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
