Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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