I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
