Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
