I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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