Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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