and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Never underestimate the power of titties
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
