remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
