I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She bit a glass in half.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
