Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
