my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
