at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
