Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
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