i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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