I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
