It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
