guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
