I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Randomize