do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
