I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
