Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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