Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
