sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I FOUND THE LEGS
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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