Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
