Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
