The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
