You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
