he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
