Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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