dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
