she smelled like a LAN party
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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