Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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