i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Also, beer. Big fan.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
