Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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