Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize