I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
