"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
