The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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