You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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