planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
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