I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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