I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
