What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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