Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
