You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
