i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
