I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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