Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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