Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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