Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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