You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
