I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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